Crystal Relationships: Fluorite, Exorcising the Ego, and Expansion

For about 3 years now I have used Yoni Eggs.

featured here on my altar that includes Mary Maagdalene's meditation box with the red rosary and Rose Quartz Yoni Egg, and Paquet for Shilibo made by my dear friend and mentor Karma Zain...and my Spiral Tarot :)

These amazing tools of shamanism and excercise are usually referred to as Jade Eggs, because Jade was the stone most widely used for its properties so powerfully corresponding to All-Purpose Women's Healing. The stones do, in recent times, come in an abundance of crystal and gemstone choices. Some of my favorites come from The lovely JewelzOfComfort Etsy store. I feel the Shop Owner to be an encouraging and uplifting Kindred. Today I want to talk about the wonders of  the Fluorite egg I ordered from her shop. Of course you know this substance is not fluoride the posion brain altering ADHD causing death flowing through your faucets that must be avoided at all costs however possible…but that’s another story…

Fluorite is a girl’s best friend. Well, this girl at least. This woman. This Womb of mine now purring like a single mother on a Calgon getaway at a luxurious tantric massage spa paid for as a gift by her bestie. I've noticed using my large rose quartz yoni egg helped me open to trust my lover more on a subtly influential level, helping me also to open my heart more and thus my womb, also instantaneously stopping the mystery of bleeding that used to occur every time I made love. But there were still more layers of healing to go through.

**photo courtesy my beautiful fellow SLC alumni Jasmine Burems at Honey and Gold

The medium Carnelian egg was a playful but stablizing and excitable fire friend inside me, increasing my desire….

...but the moment I slid the beautiful sea-green and ocean-blue swirling fluorite inside my yoni, I felt water.

my Fluorite snuggled in Moon's custom Rose Quartz wrap bracelet

Literally. I felt an almost cool, refreshing, swishing and swirling sensation almost of a cleansing soothing motion….I felt a huge increase in my sensitivity. It was almost unbearable at times because I would feel even the subtlest movements and a wave of arousal would come over me but not a burning frustrated aching desire but a yummy, sensual, languishing desire….I noticed great increase in lubrication during lovemaking the same day/night and so did my mate. I noticed I was also more sensitive and more easily gently and quickly aroused with my his member inside me. Now even the slightest touch gives me chills and sweetness gushes. I noticed also I could feel more wetness on the inside, the location of my g spot was much more obvious, I could easily feel pressing on it and a squishy feeling I’d never felt before and waves of uncontrollable laughter as well as the urge to block/hold pee would come (which, often confused, isn't pee-- it is the Holy Elixer of Life, the Amrita that is Female Ejaculatory fluid)….

...and I suddenly realized many years I have resisted pleasure, I haven’t trusted it, because this same feeling of surrender, of forced submission, of uncontrollable laughter that brings the urge to pee was TICKLING. As a child I found this frustrating, invasive, and traumatic when tickled because I felt my body wasn’t my own, I felt violated, small compared to the big adult holding me, held against my will, and that my reaction even though seemingly jovial was unwilling…but in the context of a relationship I'm in now where I feel safe to expand and trust and give my body over, I can let that unchecked, un-self conscious laughter and joy out that was strangled in the throat of my twisted childhood where lines were often blurred between adult tenderness and outright predatory molestation.

For awhile now, I notice my understanding of expansion has been internalized and associated physically and psycho-sexually with handing myself over, as the agony/ecstasy sung about in Bjork’s "Pagan Poetry". In my most intense orgasmic moments, I notice it is during an internal dialogue, an internal battle wherein I feel sometimes my lover is the knight and I am the damsel who resists being a conquest. One of the most powerful orgasmic moments early in the relationship...I felt the pleasure through the pain, the point of surrender, literally being loved into submission, but, trembling and resisting with all my might, “running”, all my muscles taut with guardedness, I screamed in my mind “why do you have to take all of that, all of me?!” from the depths of my soul. The healing and enlightening orgasm only arrived when I finally broke and surrendered, not caring about the "gender politics", him "judging me", or subconscious programmed "guilt" over some false feeling of being "too open" or "too loose" connected to being raised with the concept of being a composed Lady... I notice the more I feel myself giving into my love for him, the unconditional, serving, forgiving love despite my ego, I feel a battle, a shattering, as my ego feels threatened by having to “hand myself over”, or let him “take” something from me, due to past assumptions and programs about men’s superiority complexes…It's almost as if denying my ecstasy was somehow letting me “win” or somehow if I gave into my ecstasy at his hands I was somehow “weaker” as a woman and letting him “have the upper hand” which is a fallacy, an illusion that keeps many women from reaching full orgasmic potential. 

“I can’t let him see how crazy he makes me feel cuz then he’ll know he ‘got’ me”…why is this a problem? 

Oh. That’s right. 

Only because these girls have degraded themselves to empty relationships with casual dusty common niggas who will take advantage of you in such a vulnerable orgasmic state, instead of being joined in the alchemy of Divine marriage or Sacred committed union. 

At each level, I open wider, my legs, my mind, my heart, my soul…to him, to love, to bliss, to Spirit, to Source, to God/dess. I am the vessel—his, my ancestors’, and the divinities’….I open wider and I feel more and hand over more of me, or really of my ego or illusion of separation (as opposed to loving sense of selfless Oneness and Unity)….

I give more of what I’m afraid to give. I show more that I’m embarrassed to reveal. Only in truth and ugliness can true liberation and acceptance be found. If you’re making wild, maenad, demoness, excorcist faces during the throes of ecstasy don’t be embarrassed. That is the real you. The honest you. Are babies self-conscious? Do babies wonder with shame what their faces look like when they sneeze or cry or yawn or laugh? Just be you. Just BE. Experience your orgasm without resistance, without shame, and trust your partner’s love for you or better yet your love for YOURSELF because the man you have now, good or bad, is the man YOU chose for yourself on a conscious or subconscious level. Your frequency has subtly attracted this man to you so whatever he is, is in you as well. Our partners reflect parts of ourselves so we must take care and be mindful of who we intertwine our lives with because it could say more about YOU than them…. 7:07pm 3/5/13